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Often made fun of by people who know. I have no idea how unusual that is but I fufk a sense of shame, and I felt stigmatised. Someone somewhat educated.

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Occasionally a female friend would flirt with me, but I would become so flustered that I would try and keep as much distance laadies myself and them, for fear of someone else discovering my shame. In my teens, 20s and 30s it made me thoroughly miserable and incredibly lonely as it didn't seem like an unreasonable thing to want, yet seemed as improbable as winning the lottery. To be blunt, jarried it makes me feel like I must be a monster.

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Another thing to note is that no-one goes around telling people, "Hey I'm in my 30s and still wonder what kissing feels like. It was something that I rarely talked about and still rarely talk about. The woman who chose to engage with me, I didn't tell about my sexual history, or lack thereof, until after we had sex a few times. But the thing is. Despite this no-one seemed willing or able to come near.

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